I wasn’t prepared to lose a baby…

At age 40, I was prepared for a fertility struggle. I wasn’t prepared to lose a baby.

I thought I had done everything right. I used a young egg donor to reduce the risks associated with using my own eggs.

But unexpectedly, I lost two of my four children because of an undiagnosed genetic defect carried by my ex-husband.

Their deaths were shocking and heartbreaking. I questioned whether I was too old to pursue motherhood. Was this the universe’s way of telling me I wasn’t meant to be a mother?

The aftermath of losing a child feels like a freefall. I struggled to get my bearings. The pain was so paralyzing that I isolated myself from everyone I loved. I medicated myself to dull the pain without success.

This week is #BabyLossAwarenessWeek, a reminder that this kind of devastating loss is far more common than many of us realize. In fact, an estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.

The hardest part for me was figuring out how to move forward when my hopes and dreams had been ripped away from me.

Fifteen years later, I have found a measure of healing. But healing doesn't mean I'm “over” the losses.  It means I’ve learned to carry the love AND the grief—and found ways to create meaning from the pain.

Here are some of the things that helped me:

1) I gave myself permission to grieve in my own way and on my own timeline. Grief isn’t linear.

2) I found ways to honor their lives through memorials and rituals—including the Christmas ornaments I hang on our tree every year in their memory.

3) Through therapy and EMDR, I was able to release the guilt and self-blame and entrust the past—and their lives—to God.

4) Gradually, I allowed myself to experience happiness again without guilt, recognizing that joy honors their lives rather than diminishes them.

5) I learned that seeking professional help wasn't a sign of weakness. It was an essential part of my healing.

Ultimately, I found purpose in my pain by creating Cheri’s Choice, a nonprofit that helps others navigate their path to parenthood with greater knowledge, support, and clarity.

On Thursday, October 15 at 7 p.m. in your local time zone, families around the world are invited to light a candle in remembrance of babies who died too soon.

I’ll be lighting mine.

Because every life is treasured. And the babies we lose never stop being part of our families…or our hearts.