What If He Doesn’t?

I panicked when I found out I was having a boy.

I didn’t see it coming. I had always envisioned having two girls. So when I got the news that I was carrying a son, my heart sank.

It sounds terrible to admit—but it was true.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want him. I wanted a second child more than anything.  I was afraid of what having a boy might mean for me, given my history with men.

You see, my past was filled with broken relationships with my father and brother. I felt judged by them. Misunderstood by them. Always feeling like I could never be enough to earn their love.

And when I began having romantic relationships, the dynamic didn’t improve. Some cheated. Others tried to control me. Still others used me or rode off my coattails. One was even violent.

So, what kind of treatment could I expect from my son? Would he mistreat and betray me too?

The thought filled me with anxiety. How could I open my heart to this child if I believed he was destined to wound me the way other men had?

I turned to my grief counselor, Worth, for advice.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I told him. “I can’t believe I’m having a boy. Im not sure I can do it.”

“Why does it scare you so much?” he asked gently.

I laid out all of my fears:

• What if he hurts me?

• What if he betrays me?

• What if he rejects me?

• What if he doesn’t love me?

Worth looked at me with a kind smile and said softly:

“What if he doesn’t?”

Four little words that stopped me in my tracks.

In that moment, I realized I was carrying the weight of every painful male relationship I ever had. And if I wasn’t careful, I would pass that brokenness onto a child who had done nothing to deserve it.

Worth went on: “What if he helps you heal?”

That thought had never occurred to me.

Perhaps my son wasn’t a threat to my heart, but a fresh start for it.

Perhaps I could raise him to be different. To be kind to women. To respect them. To empower them.

Maybe, I could play a central role in raising a good man.

And that’s exactly what has happened. My son has healed me in ways I never imagined.

• He gave me the normal pregnancy and birth I had always longed for.

• He is strong and brave and shares my sense of humor.

• He has a kind heart and a loving soul.

The lesson? Our children aren’t here to repeat our past. They’re here to give us a chance to write a new story.

I am grateful that God gave me the child I never knew I wanted, and the healing I so desperately needed.

#childhoodwounds #ourchildrencanhealus