DNA Doesn’t Define You: Redefining Motherhood Beyond Biology

Some people have said I’m not a “real” mother.

When I first stepped into the fertility clinic, I thought the hardest part would be the needles, the blood draws, the science. I didn’t expect the questions—the quiet, unspoken ones that lingered long after the doctor’s voice had faded.

Questions like: If my child comes from another woman’s egg, will they still feel like mine

Or, in the deepest corners of my heart: Will I be my baby’s real mother?

The Biology vs. the Bond

By the time I sat across from the egg donor coordinator, I already knew my biology had betrayed me. The numbers on my test results were unflinching: it was too risky to use my eggs. At 40, the quality and quantity meant the chances of having a healthy child were low. Using an egg donor wasn’t just a medical decision—it was a surrender to reality and an act of hope.

But as I signed the paperwork, I couldn’t help but feel the weight of that invisible cultural narrative—that real motherhood is written in DNA. It’s a myth that clings stubbornly, even in a world where science can help create families in so many different ways.

The Mothering That Matters

The truth is, I became a mother long before my children were placed in my arms. I became a mother when I rearranged my entire life to make room for them. I became a mother with every early morning doctor appointment, every shot I gave myself, every night I lay awake imagining their faces.

And when I finally held my children, no test tube, legal document, or genetic chart mattered. These babies were mine.

Answering the Critics

Lately, the headlines have been filled with debates—celebrities and commentators questioning whether surrogacy or egg donation creates “real” families. It’s a conversation dripping with judgment, as if the route to parenthood determines its validity.

Andy Cohen recently pushed back against one such critique, calling it “ill-informed and dumb.” And he’s right. Biology may start the story, but it doesn’t finish it. The daily care, the emotional labor, the showing up—that’s the work of a real mother.

My Answer—And Yours

So if you’re asking yourself: Will I be a real mother if I choose one of these paths?

The answer is undeniable.

Yes. A thousand times, yes.

Because my claim to motherhood isn’t determined by whose egg started the process. It’s defined by the little lives I nurture every single day. By the love that’s stitched into bedtime stories, scraped-knee bandages, quality time spent, and whispered prayers.

If you’ve built your family with the help of an egg donor, a surrogate, or any path outside the so-called “norm”—let me say this plainly: You are a real mother (or father). The biology may not match, but the bond is unbreakable.

#eggdonors

#infertility

#donorconception