Can friendships survive trauma?

What happens when loss doesn’t just take the person you love—but also the friend you thought would always be by your side?

I’ve lost two of my dearest friends to trauma. Both are still alive. But our friendships didn’t survive what came next.

The first loss came during my long struggle with infertility.

My closest friend and I were bonded in hope—we shared fertility doctors, late-night tears, and dreams of our children growing up together.

I got pregnant first. Everything was going well… until it wasn’t. I lost Rachel at the end of my second trimester. The crushing words of her fatal diagnosis changed me forever.

Right as my world was falling apart, my friend learned she was having a baby girl. I wanted to be happy for her, but grief weighed me down like a heavy blanket. I pulled away, afraid my sorrow would dim her joy.

She didn’t understand. And she never forgave me.

My second loss came years later when my oldest friend’s son died by suicide at just 18. It was tragic, shocking, and unimaginable.

His death changed her—and us.

Where motherhood had once been our common ground, seeing my children now brought her fresh pain.

Loss reshaped both friendships in ways I never saw coming.

It left me wondering: can friendships survive trauma, or do they inevitably fracture under its weight?

Why Trauma Strains Friendships

We expect hard times to draw us closer.

But grief is messy. It makes us fragile, unpredictable.

One friend might shut down; the other might feel helpless or shut out. No one is wrong. It’s just that loss doesn’t come with a rulebook.

What I’ve Learned

Friendship is a two-way street. In times of trauma, both people carry responsibilities.

For the grieving friend:

• Recognize no one friend can hold all your pain.

• Keep communication open; extend grace when others can’t meet every need.

• Lean on multiple supports—therapists, support groups, faith communities.

For the friend watching someone grieve:

• Show up, even if words fail. Presence matters.

• Don’t disappear because it feels awkward.

• Extend grace; don’t take their pain or distance personally.

Loss may change us. It may change our friendships too.

But with love, patience, and understanding, some friendships can bend without breaking—and a few may even return stronger, reshaped by honesty, vulnerability, and a deeper connection.